ORKZ IN MY IMMORTAL
by EthansEntertainment
Summary: I decided to ruin the story of My Immortal, a terrible Harry Potter fanfic, by inserting orks into it. There was a pretty entertaining result!


ORKZ IN…..

MY IMMORTAL

"Sum day, I'm gunna kill a lot of fings"

"I'm shure you will. I'm shure you will."

Warboss dekapetata's ugly, scarred face stretched into a repulsive smile, his sharp-as-knives teeth becoming visible.

"I shure did."

The warboss croaked, laughing. The memory of his former boss always made him laugh. Not that the joke had gotten stale, at all. After his former boss responded, dekapetata promptly gave him a new nose in his head, with gracious help from his kustom slugga. Which, a few minutes ago, happened to belong to the warboss as well. Now, this was no normal slugga. This slugga had only one barrel, true, but it had a funnel as an ammunition port, due to it's extremely fast firing rate. This slugga could fire four times as fast as a big shoota, and five times as loud. He absolutely loved it. His grot companions didn't however. Six of them were required to help carry the extra ammunition, and although they were given a wide berth and excellent treatment, they still wanted to be the one firing the kustom slugga. The warboss couldn't blame them. The slugga even fired the bullet's casing! The warboss also had plans to bring his newly acquired fleet through a warp rift he came across on a previous planetary invasion, to see if there was anything worth smashin' on the other side. For now though, he was content to sit on his metal chair in his personal cabin, sipping fungus beer and carving his name into his new slugga.

"_OMG DRAGO! I CAN'T FIND MY FUCKING KNIFE!" Ebony yelled, while trying in vain to slit her wrists with a steak._

"_MY GOD EBONY! WE SHOULD GO GET YOU A NEW ONE FROM HOT TOPIC!" Draco yelled, while slitting his wrists with steaks. Lots of 'em._

"_WELL LET'S FUCKING GO YOU ASSHOLE!" *No steaks this time.*_

_After eight hours of shopping at only hot topic, Ebony and Draco were returning to Hogwarts when the car (The bat-winged 666 license plate one) they were driving stalled out near the forbidden forest._

"_OMG DRACO, GO FIX THE FUCKING CAR!" Ebony screeched._

"_Fine Ebony." Draco replied._

_Draco promptly exited the car, and ran his hands along the smooth black freshly washed and waxed hood before opening it. What he saw on the engine was not what he expected._

_He barely had time to scream before a face-eater squig that had been chewing on the battery the whole time latched onto his face._

"_GAAH! FU—" The face eater squig silenced Draco by tearing at his throat, blood spilling over the engine and the ground._

_The ork kommando nearby had to admit, it was pretty damn funny. His ugly smile was almost visible through the layers of feces and leaves coating his face. He readied his dirty, mud-streaked knife and waited for the girl to come out of the car._

"_Come on you stupid 'oomie." He muttered under his breath._

"_Let's see what you're made of."_

"_DRACO! DRACO! DRACO YOU FUCKING IDIOT, FIX THE FUCKING CAR YOU PREP!"_

_Ebony waited for around three minutes before she opened the black metal door of the car to look for her boyfriend. She then heard a kind of smacking and tearing noise, with animal grunts and scratching._

"_Draco, what are you..AHHH!" She screamed as she saw the face-eater squig feasting on Draco's grey matter. It was at that moment that the ork kommando hiding nearby threw his knife straight for her head, and it was then that Ron (Diabolo according to Tara) gallantly.. er… goffikly swerved down to comfort Ebony._

"_Ebony!" He shouted. "Are you all- ACCK!" He sputtered, a knife planted through his spine. Then, the screaming and bleeding Ron began to hurl out of control towards the forest at the top speed for his broomstick, skidding across numerous rocks before sliding to a stop, parts of his body literally in a trail of gore and skin behind him, his now badly torn body lying limp in a pile on the remains of his broomstick. The ork kommando couldn't help but laugh._

" _HA HA HA! *SNORT* HAHAHAHA!"_

_The kommando was literally crying. When he finally stopped laughing, the ground below him was wet with tears of joy. The greenskin kommando proceeded to point a crooked, green finger at Ebony, before shouting,_

"_TELL YOU WAT, OOMIE. THAT WAS DA BEST FING I 'EVA SAW. I NEEDS TA GO TELL ZAT TO THE BOSS! DON'T WURRY THOUGH. I'LL BE BACK FER YA! HAHAHAHA!"_

_He then stomped off into the distance, willfully ignoring Ebony's weeping, while laughing at the same time._

_When Ebony finally reached the Hogwarts castle by foot she fell to her knees, sobbing at the sight she had to behold._

When Warboss dekapetata was done with his shoota, he climbed down a gleaming ladder to the command deck, where grots were manning the controls of his personal Hammer Battlekroozer. He yelled to a grot manning the coms.

"OI! TELL DA FLEET I'M THE BOSS NOW! AND TELL 'EM WE'RE GOING THROUGH THAT WARPY-RIFT NEAR WHERE WE LOST THOSE DAKKAJETS!"

"Right you are, boss." The grot squeaked.

Dekapetata walked around the command bridge for a while, before settling into his new command chair. He sighed for a while, trying to think of something to do. He then cracked a smile. He picked up a grot who had come back from the drops, and threw him through the Command deck's window, causing several grots to be sucked into deep space before an emergency panel sealed the leak. Witnessing the act with amusment, he then thought loudly to himself.

"Let's see 'ere. I got me flagship, dose two ovea killkroozers, bout thirty gunship, and about one thousand dakkajets. Should be enugh fer a fight."

(A.N. I am assuming that Tara's version of Hogwarts is on it's own planet, because there's no way it's on holy Terra. )

"GET ME DA BESTEST OF OUR BOYZ!" He yelled to a grot. "BRING ME DA NOBZ! I NEEDA MAKES US A PLANA' INVASIONS!"

The grot quickly scurried out to follow the Warboss' orders. About an hour later, he popped back onto the command deck, and motioned to the warboss to follow him down through the rusty, sparking elevator to the hangar. There was a rather unique collection of twenty-two orks lounging on ammo crates near the back of the hangar, away from the mekboyz who were fixing dakkajets and preparing bombs. Out of the twenty two nobz, six were kommandos, five were meganobz, five were tankbustaz, and the final six were burna boyz. Each squad had a mini-warboss, some almost as big as Dekapetata himself.

The mini bosses were rather unique, the kommando nob, 'Eaf, a cunning wiry ork, with a pair of night-vision goggles on his forehead, a large knife in his left boot (his only boot) and a silenced slugga in a holster on his hip.

The meganob boss, Tiny, was a huge ork, but did not have a powerklaw in his mega armour. Instead, he wielded two huge chain-axes, both with dried blood and gore coating them. These he wore in special sheathes at his hips.

The burna boy boss, Hot stuff, wore 'eavy amour, and a gas mask/welding mask across his face. His custom burna could shoot globs of promethium instead of a gout of oily flame, if he felt the urge.

The tankbusta boss, Obama, was a strange ork. He was obsessed with bombs, mines, and rockets, and even replaced his left eye with a one-time use mini rocket-launcher. He wielded two rocket launchers, and a cyclone missile launcher strapped onto his shoulders. He always carried his gear with him.

Dekapetata proceeded to approach his officers, and greeted them one by one with a good-natured punch. He then grabbed a nearby ammo crate, scraped it along the floor infront of his officers, and unrolled a crudely drawn map from his pocket before slamming it onto the crate. He motioned for his officers to gather around. Dekapetata pointed a gnarled finger at a crudely-drawn castle.

"Ere's dere main base. Dey got demselves a nice little fortress. Howeva, dey ar'nt very obsurvent. We got ourselves a kommando who sneaked in and out without even a single killin."

He then motioned to a town nearby the castle.

"Ere's a little town of oomies dat dont have any defences. Dey'd make good burnin' for ya, Hot stuff, and yer ladds. Lotz o wood buildings, parrently."

Hot stuff nodded in approval.

He pointed at what appeared to be the door to the castle.

"Dis 'ere's parrently a big metal door. Obama, you need to make it go boom. Ya also need to blow up da hangin parts o the castle too."

Obama smiled menacingly in approval.

"Tiny, you and yer meganobz get da real fun. While all of the oomies are eatin', you and yer meganobz go in 'dere and make sure none finish dere food. Alright?"

Tiny looked dangerously at his chainaxes.

"Eaf, you and yer mates hide in da woods and make sure none 'scape. Alright?"

The kommando nob spat on the iron floor, and nodded, hiding his disgust from view.

"I fink that covers it. Get ready for the WAAGH!"

Dekapetata and his officers, aside from Eaf and his kommandos, stomped at the ground and shouted, yelling. Dekapetata then stomped back to the elevator, and went back to his command deck. His officers began to disperse, getting their squads and landing craft ready for the battle. The kommandos took a little longer, until Eaf strode to his squad's landing craft, silently cursing Dekapetata's plan. He would get no blood if he stayed in the woods. He hadn't planned to obey Dekapetata anyway, though.

The kommandos strode silently under the glow of the moon towards Hogwarts. They had departed from the kroozer sooner than Dekapetata had ordered, in an effort to get into a position for maximum killing before the other orks began to wreak havoc. It was his scout that explored the castle in the first place, as well. His kommandos climbed to a very high window on the castle, kind of jutting out from the rest of the structure. Eaf himself smashed the glass, silently creeping inside and motioning for his kommandos to enter. The room he had entered looked like a lounge, with red furniture and a fireplace with barely a flame left. This was the resting place of the oomies, apparently. Just as the scout had described it. Eaf heard an engine start below, and muttered curses, thinking someone had found them. He crept to the broken window, and gazed out at a black car with bat wings driving out into the night. He quickly gave his kommandos the order to begin killing the oomies where they slept, and then he quickly descended the castle with an extreme amount of haste, and began following the car, only stopping to return to his landing craft to retrieve his pet squig. This was going to be fun.s

"NUMBAH ONE, LAUNCH! NUMBAH TWO, LAUNCH! LAUNCH! LAUNCH! LAUNCH!" The ork control center captain bellowed over the loudspeaker.

The ork landers made their firey descent to the ground, some colliding with each other midair, sending scarlet flames throughout the sky. The speed freak pilots absolutely loved it. When the landers hit the ground, the ramps opened, and a horde of charging ork boyz were released. Tiny and his meganobs were in front, charging like madmen towards the castle gates, which promptly exploded in a shower of thirty rockets from Obama and his squad. Hot stuff and his squad veered off from the main horde, followed by thirty boyz.

Their journey to Hogsmeade Village did not take long. Before long, the ground was a deep shade of crimson, the buildings roared with vicious flame. Oily promethium was discharged over the residents, annihilating all life with ugly flame. Hot stuff had never felt more alive. Before long, there was only one citizen left alive in the village. She was lying on the ground, her clothes scorched and her skin swollen with blisters. A crowd of his squad and the other boyz gathered around to see what Hot stuff would do to her. He hoisted his burna in the air, screaming a war cry, before plunging his burna down her throat, and then, he pulled the trigger, and the very second that he did, the woman became a flailing, charred form, her eyes ignited in flame, and her body was reduced to a pile of ash.

Tiny strode toward the once grand door to Hogwarts, and kicked the remains of it open. His lungs then inhaled an extraordinary amount of air, then issuing a terrifying war cry.

"WAAAAAGHHH!" He shouted at the top of his lungs, while readying his chain axes towards where the most humans would be: The great hall.

His chain-axes struck any wizard that dare hinder his progress toward his objective, dismembering them but still leaving them alive, however, they were promptly executed either by choppa, slugga, or simply trampled by the horde of orks charging through the castle. When he finally reached the great hall, he tore through the black door with his chain-axes before shouting to the tables of wizards, dressed in gothic attire:

"YOU LOT BETTA GIVE ME A GOOD FIGHT! WAAGH!"

Tiny and his horde of meganobz charged through the black and pink tables, his two chain axes swinging in wide arcs, decapitating any wizard that was caught in his fury. As Tiny fought, the wizards he dismembered were squashed under the boots of his mega-armour, leaving bones and blood everywhere. His chain-axes slashed tables in half, as his meganob squad advanced behind him, clearing out those who tried to retreat. Not that the wizards didn't try to eliminate him, though. But, it was hard for them to fight in their "goffik" clothes, mostly they just tripped before being slain by Tiny and his squad. Tiny finally reached Dumbledore and allowed him to speak.

"You green bastard. Why did you have to ruin my goffik castle?" Dumbledore sneered.

"Because I wanna chop you lot into little pieces and feed ya to the squigs."

"You can't defeat me. I'm the most goffik wizard in existence. You have no hope of- AAGHGHH!"

Dumbledore screamed as Tiny's two chain axes tore through his flesh, sending blood and bone hurling throughout the great hall.

"YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGHT, OOMIE! DIS IS WHAT YOU GET! WAAGH!"

Obama was having the time of his life. Rockets were hurling throughout the castle, collapsing entire rooms filled with wizards, ensuring a slow, painful death. He ran through the castle, looking through doors for someone he could blow up. He smiled as he saw a man in a black cloak gathering clothes, books, potions, etc. Into a bag. Little did Obama know that this was Professor Snape. He quietly walked into the room, before shouting his greeting.

"OI! OOMIE!"

The items Snape was currently packing fell to the ground as he jumped in shock.

"What do you want, you dumb brute? Are you going to try and kill me?"

"I IZ GOING TO SUGCEED!" Obama shouted as he shot a rocket at Snape.

Snape however, shot the rocket back at Obama, sending Obama scrambling at the floor for cover as the rocket exploded. Snape then used his wand to throw Obama about the room, before pinning him to a wall.

"You didn't really think you could succeed, did you?" Snape sneered, his goffik makeup white as always.

"I am goin to succeed oomie." Obama smiled. "You iz not so smart."

It was at this exact moment that he fired his eye-rocket.

Dekapetata admired the view of the castle. What was left of it, anyway. The burna boyz were making their final search, lootaz doing what they do best, and the boyz playing a bit of football with the heads of the goffik wizards they had just murdered.

It was at this moment that Dekapetata heard a sobbing behind him. A teenage girl, dressed in black leathery clothing, was crying not twenty meters behind him. He smiled evily, as he advanced towards her.

"Wot'z your name, oomie?" He growled.

"Ebony, you fucking bastard."

"Heh! Bastard. Dat means nufing coming from someone weaker den a grot!" He laughed heartily.

"My kommando told me happened to yew. Dat's some pretty funny business."

As she started to reply, he whipped out his custom slugga and emptied his ammunition into her, sending her body flailing around as he laughed maniacally.

"YOU IZN'T SO IMMORTAL AFTER ALL! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


End file.
